Sunday, July 4, 2010

thirty times around the sun

Today is my birthday. Thirty years, and I feel every single day of it. :) The past ten years have been so jam packed with so many huge life events, that I honestly sometimes feel older than I am. So today, I stop and soak in the feeling of 30 years of life. To be content with simply having survived this far, and to strive to enjoy the days a little more as well.

The first decade of my life was all anyone could hope for. I was loved, cared for, had great friends, played kick ball in the cul-de-sac, climbed trees, rode my bike everywhere, etc... I have nothing but fond memories.

I spent the second decade of my life feeling out of place and wishing that I were in my third. And I spent most of my third decade in a complete whirlwind of major events that should actually be spread out among one's lifetime. I feel like I never really got my footing. Every time I would settle in to some kind of routine, the rug would be pulled out from under me and I'd be scrambling again. Scrambling for peace. Scrambling for wisdom. Scrambling for contentment. Scrambling for quiet. I have known times of intense grief and disappointment so acute that I would feel it physically. I have also known times of inexplicable joy, deep and abiding. And as crazy at it sounds, those moments of joy and gifts of peace have often come in on the tail of the pain- like a healing balm for my suffering and my broken soul. God has consistently met me in those moments, lifting me from my painful reality and giving me a taste- a small taste of the eternal.

And in between those dark days, I've had moments like the birth of each of my children. Each time I have felt the rush of new life- the miracle of birth, I am infused with purpose. I receive the gift from God and resolve to be mama to this new precious being. This third decade has made many things of me...daughter who grieves deeply, sister who moves away, wife who said "til death do us part"... I feel mostly a mama.

Even as blessed a mama as me can get lost in the mundane. I lose sight of the eternal, and often find myself immobilized. Always running, but not moving an inch. Always talking, but not saying anything. Always drinking, but never quenched. And God has always sent me a friend (or several)who at different times pull me out of the quicksand. So I can shake out of my funk. Where my efforts can become productive and my perspective rises and deepens. And my feet settle in....rooted and grounded in love.

And so, here I stand...knowing that there is a purpose to each day I have lived, and purpose still for each day ahead, be it one or thousands more. A hope and a future. Who could ask for more?


  1. I love your necklace!!!!! I would need a pair of earrings :) You forgot to mention how much you have blessed the lives of those who know you and love you. Hope your next decade is everything you desire. xxx Happy birthday little sister.

  2. I love my necklace too! It's a glass bead, obviously unique, and my sweet doula friends in Asheville gave it to me at my blessingway for Gil. It may be my most prized earthly possession. :)

  3. beautiful. i tried to write something profound like that when i turned 30 an couldnt find the words. you are a lovely momma. hope your day was special. happy 30th!

  4. lovely dear friend, well written and deeply felt. Gave me chills to read it.
    Blessings dear woman, dear friend and earth mother.
    ~so much love!

  5. your words seem so much an echo of my own life experiences as well, having just turned 30 last october...though as the others have commented, you said it so much more eloquently than i could have.

    happy birthday, my love!